The Tymphonic Spree

McGross

2007-02-01T17:15:00.000-05:00

US Weekly is reporting that Lindsay Lohan’s stay in the Los Angeles’ Wonderland Rehab Center is not preventing her from two of her favorite past times. Getting plowed by undeservingly wealthy douche bags and eating McDonalds.

According to reports:

“Usmagazine.com has learned that Lohan, 20, who entered L.A.'s Wonderland rehab center on Jan. 18 to treat her addiction issues, has been sending Brody Jenner, 23, text messages.

… In one text sent last Saturday night, [Lohan], among other requests, texted that all she wanted was "McDonald's and sex."

Lindsay Lohan eating McDonald’s and having sex…nice. Well, with that image burned into my head, you’ll excuse me while I go hang myself.

Hey, that was the 80th Post

2007-02-01T17:13:00.000-05:00

We celebrate the little things here at the Spree...Finding a dollar in our stripper pants, anniversaries, getting laid for the first time...

...well, two out of three isn't bad.

Here's to 80 posts.

Mutual Acquaintance.

2007-02-01T15:17:00.000-05:00

Kristin Davis, former star of “Sex and the City” was visibly upset yesterday when asked about the death of Barbaro, the Kentucky Derby winner euthanized Monday after suffering from severe leg problems since fracturing an ankle in the Preakness Stakes.

Davis’ “Sex and the City” character was fond of horses, and apparently Davis feels this way in real life as well.

Well, it’s Thursday afternoon and I’m drunk…so I’d probably go with a “Sarah Jessica Parker has a horse face” joke here, but then I’d feel like I’m beating a dead horse.

BA-ZING!

At it again...

2007-02-01T10:49:00.000-05:00

Christ I'm lazy. I'd like to say I have a good excuse - rescuing baby seals, winning the underground kickboxing championship of the world, nailing Jessica Alba...but we all know those aren't excuses, they're what make me the man I am today.

And if you can't accept those parts, then I don't know if I can accept "us."

I'll be at my mothers.

Sorry, Pittsburgh.

2006-12-12T17:21:00.000-05:00

Terrible news out of the Steel City this evening as local television stations are going crazy over the arrival of Dennis Quaid and Sarah Jessica Parker for the filming of their new film “Smart People Here.”

Filming at the Carnegie Mellon University campus, Quaid plays a disgruntled English professor who falls in love with former student Parker.

Reports coming from CBS affiliate KDKA state that Parker and Quaid have been spending a lot of time enjoying the sights and sounds of Pittsburgh since arriving.

Man, first their football team shits the bed, now they’re stuck with that horse faced fug monster for the next few months. I’m really sorry Pittsburgh, and you too Randy Quaid. If it’s any consolation, you have three bridges you can jump from.

Kirstie Alley found the weight she lost…

2006-12-12T12:13:00.000-05:00

Just weeks after her appearance on Oprah where she showed off her newly “trim” body in a bikini, Kirstie Alley was seen this past weekend looking like what is best described as…shed-like.

I swear to god, if I have to hear Kirstie Alley talk about losing weight one more time, only to see her resemble a carnival mirror reflection, I’m resigning as president of the Kirstie Alley fan club.

I don’t care if I lose diplomatic immunity and my autographed Cheers DVD box set, I can’t keep dealing with this buffalo.

Usher is Moisturized.

2006-12-12T11:59:00.000-05:00

TMZ.com cameras spotted Usher at the Kalologie store on Robertson Blvd. in Los Angeles on Monday where, according to TMZ photographers, Usher was testing out facial creams and other ointments.

I could make a joke here, but there's nothing funny about dry skin...Nothing at all.

Nicole Richie is a Heffer

2006-12-12T09:27:00.000-05:00

Nicole Richie was arrested by the California Highway Patrol early Monday on suspicion of driving under the influence after Richies' 2005 black Mercedes SUV was seen going the wrong way on the 134 Highway at 12:31 am.

According to a report in the Los Angeles Times, Richie admitted to officers that she had smoked marijuana and consumed the painkiller Vicodin. Richie posted bail of $15,000 and was released roughly seven hours later. In her booking sheet, Richie was listed as 5' 1" and 85 lbs.

85 lbs? Jesus, why don't you lay off the Clark Bars fatty?

Updates to Come.

2006-12-11T15:16:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the delay, the updates are coming.

Just go back to re-enacting the Battle of Gettysburg with your stuffed animals, that'll pass the time.

NO!!!

2006-12-07T09:36:00.000-05:00

People.com shot my morning right to hell, announcing that Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl have split. But according to PEOPLE, the pair is “attempting to work out their relationship.”

In a statement, the pair state: “We remain the best of friends. Please respect our privacy as we try to work things out during this difficult time.”

I don’t think that’ll be a problem. I completely forgot that Lance Bass even existed, let alone the fact that he was in a gay relationship with some guy who may or may not be a German super soldier bent on world destruction and doing former boy band members.

…you diabolical son of a bitch!

Kevin Federline, Aristocrat.

2006-12-07T09:00:00.000-05:00

Page Six has a story this morning about one of America’s greatest heroes, Kevin Federline. According to the report, Federline is realizing the publics’ negative perception of him and is desperately trying to change his image.

On Wednesday, Federline sent out a press release stating that he had replaced his trademark chains and wife-beater tank top for a suit jacket and button-down shirt.

Page Six goes on to report that Federline is also trying to “learn how to sound smart,” showing up at the Village Vanguard last week to catch the book launch of David Matalon and Chris Woolsey’s tome, “The Concise Guide to Sounding Smart at Parties.”

I really hope the next time we see K-Fed, he’s showing up to an event dressed in a tuxedo, complete with top hat, cane and monocle and has changed his name to Lord Kevin Ewing Federline Esquire. When reporters ask for comment, Federline will quip, “Charmed, I’m sure.”

In the meantime, here's Captain Douche Bag getting F-U'ed by WWE's John Cena.

Finally!

2006-12-07T08:00:00.000-05:00

Taylor Hicks has answered our prayers, announcing what songs will appear on his self-titled album, his first since winning American Idol in May.

Due out December 12, Hicks will cover smooth classics by the likes of Smokey Robinson, Marvin Gaye and Rob Thomas (what?), reports Reuters.

For me, a romantic evening doesn't truly begin until we get down to the wailing of a middle-aged white man who eerily resembles Sam the Eagle...oh, and once the check has cleared for my hooker.

Holy...

2006-12-04T12:15:00.000-05:00

Jessica Simpson was in Washington, D.C. over the weekend to partake in some sort of celebration for Dolly Parton. Something about honoring her at the Kennedy Center Honors or something...Honestly, I could care less.

Jesus, George Washington and a singing chimp could have jumped out of a cake and Jessica and her breasts would have still been the most popular trio in the room.

Mariah Carey, Yeti Killer.

2006-12-01T17:15:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure where this photo* was taken, or for what reason she's wearing what she's wearing, but one thing is for sure. If Mariah Carey looked any more retarded in this picture, she'd be wearing water wings and a name tag that listed her food allergies.

*This photo came to the Spree from our reader Keller who, when not finding absurd photos like this one, spends her time reading to orphaned children and modeling in Paris.

Lindsay Lohan is in A.A.

2006-12-01T17:10:00.000-05:00

PEOPLE.com is reporting that Lindsay Lohan has been attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings for an undisclosed amount of time. This confirms earlier reports that appeared this week in Page Six of the New York Post.

It was confirmed by Lohan’s publicist Leslie Sloane late this afternoon.

“Yes, she's been attending some meetings, and it's going to be a slow process. This is a positive. Let's hope that the press doesn't turn it into a negative,” says Sloane.

Lindsay Lohan is 20 years old and is in Alcoholics Anonymous – which, being Lindsay Lohan whose face and 'gina has been pasted all over the internet for the last four years, kind of defeats the purpose of “Anonymous.” That aside, this is the greatest news I’ve heard all week.

Short of a leprechaun giving me his pot of gold that’s actually filled with gold, Scarlett Johannson and a gold plated Scarlett Johannson, this day couldn’t get any better.

Obligatory Britney Spears Vagina Post

2006-12-01T14:01:00.000-05:00

We’ve gotten a couple of requests here at the Spree to discuss Britney Spears recent generosity with her crotch and apparent hatred of underwear. I was reluctant because it meant I had to look at these pictures again, and honestly I barely survived my first encounter.

I’m not going to post the pictures and I think this as far as I can take the post, because honestly I’m afraid that if I show or discuss Britney Spears vagina any further, it will hunt me down and kill me.

Because that’s what monsters do.

Kid Rock: Prince Charming?

2006-12-01T12:00:00.000-05:00

According to People.com, friends of Pam Anderson and Kid Rock were taken by surprise when the couple announced they would be getting a divorce after only four months of marriage.

Traver Rains and Richie Rich (oh Christ), the New York City-based designers who designed the dress Anderson wore at her St. Tropez wedding say they were caught off guard by the news.

“Maybe it’s a spat,” Rich tells PEOPLE. “They’re so in love, and I’d be surprised if it was over forever. I don’t think she’d let her prince go.”

He continued: “I thought they were the perfect couple, so in love, so happy. She found Prince Charming. I hope he didn’t turn into a frog."

This “Prince Charming” analogy is a bit absurd in my opinion. If the term “Prince Charming” were to be replaced with “Disease carrying talentless d-bag who's nailing a woman that could probably stuff a freighter in her nasty,” I might agree with Richie Rich more.

But I found his cartoon pretentious, so he can go ahead and play hide and go fuck himself.

Danny DeVito wasn’t drunk…he’s also 6’ 7” in person.

2006-12-01T11:22:00.000-05:00

Actor Danny DeVito is denying that he said he was drunk while on “The View” Wednesday, but rather that he had been drinking with George Clooney the night before. However, DeVito did say “it was the last seven Limoncellos that were going to get” him.

During his appearance, DeVito showed clear signs of intoxication, slurring words together and going off on a rant about President George W. Bush, in which DeVito did some crack impersonations of the Three Stooges.

Barbara Walters, who produces “The View” in addition to co-hosting the show, appeared to be annoyed by DeVito’s behavior, attempting to briskly move the interview along to discuss DeVito’s new movie “Deck the Halls.”

DeVito’s publicist told TMZ.com DeVito "asked for Walters’ phone number so he could tell her what needed to be said privately.”

Thankfully I TiVo’ed this episode since I knew I’d be busy getting a pedicure and having my balls chopped off. Here’s the segment with DeVito, I’m pretty sure it speaks for itself.

And just incase it doesn’t. Let me speak on its behalf.

Danny DeVito was fucking bombed.

Personally, it’s probably the only time I can recall that The View was actually good television. Except for the time Star Jones-Reynolds ate the Asian co-host.

Morality Lesson.

2006-12-01T10:45:00.000-05:00

I won’t go into too much detail about my absence, but I will say this. If you're ever offered candy from a stranger, DO NOT accept the offer. Trust me, it's a whole load of awkward when you have to explain that you don't like him "that way."

...Unless it's a Caramello, then you take one for the team you fucking baby.

The National Enquirer...might have printed a lie.

2006-11-02T08:27:00.000-05:00

According to TMZ.com, Patrick Dempsey’s first wife admits she lied when she accused the actor of brutality, but claims the National Enquirer knew it was a lie but published the story anyway.

The Enquirer article cites divorce documents filed in 1992, in which Rochelle Paker alleged Dempsey:

“attacked her on a movie set and broke her finger by slamming it in a car door.”

When Parker found out that The Enquirer was publishing the story, she recanted her allegations, claiming the statements to be made in the “heat of divorce” and "false."

Wait...The National Enquirer, the nations' leading news resource...prints lies? Oh...oh jesus, I need to sit down.

Next you're going to tell me it's illegal to print your own money.

Styrofoam Cup 1....Streisand 0.

2006-11-01T12:03:00.000-05:00

Barbara Streisand had a drink lobbed at her Monday during a mid-concert skit poking fun at George W. Bush.

According to the Associated Press, Streisand was performing her second show in the Fort Lauderdale suburb of Sunrise, Florida when the incident occurred. As part of her comeback tour performances, Streisand performs a skit mocking the current president, with Bush impersonator Steve Bridges performing* and writing the skit alongside Streisand.

During the skit, a paper cup filled with some sort of liquid was thrown on stage, but apparently did not hit Streisand – interrupting the show and making for the most entertainment the audience would see all night.

Honestly, I don’t think that the skit was the cause of the incident. In my opinion, if I had to sit through a Barbara Streisand performance, I’d probably start throwing cups filled with liquid at the stage too – just to get my moneys worth. When she brings out the skit, I’d probably start up with the feces.

*Addendum…I need another word for “perform” when describing Streisands’…performance. Suggestions? Harpies' shriek perhaps?

Back...Again.

2006-11-01T11:40:00.000-05:00

The upside to the Spree is that we can come and go as we please. The downside to the Spree is that we can come and go as we please – almost guaranteeing I’ll be a lazy piece of shit for a week or two.

Daniel Smith is Buried…39 Days Later

2006-10-20T10:12:00.000-05:00

Daniel Smith, son of Anna Nicole Smith was laid to rest yesterday, 39 days after his mysterious death in a Bermudan hospital where he was visiting his mother who had just given birth to her second child, Danielynn.

In the days that followed Daniel’s death, Anna Nicole did what every grieving mother would do after the loss of her son. She married her lawyer Howard K. Stern on a yacht, swam in the ocean following the ceremony and threw a party to commemorate the day. Huh?

In Anna Nicole’s defense, she’d seen Weekend at Bernie’s a few times while in the hospital, so I imagine she thought that with aptly placed string-drawn pulleys and a clever pair of sunglasses, she could pass Daniel off as alive until at least the end of the wedding reception.

T.R. Knight is Gay...Ted Knight is still Dead.

2006-10-20T08:42:00.000-05:00

In a statement released by Grey’s Anatomy actor T.R. Knight, he admits he is gay but hopes people don’t consider that “the most interesting part of me.”

“I guess there have been a few questions about my sexuality, and I’d like to quiet any unnecessary rumors that may be out there,” Knight’s statement read.

What rumors? I don’t even know who he is.

At first I thought this statement was released by Ted Knight, which I found odd since Ted Knight has been dead for a few years. And then I thought that maybe Ted Knight’s ghost was gay, which I thought was entertaining and would make for good bar trivia.

But no, now we’re back to this other guy being gay, and Ted Knight's just dead, and I feel empty inside.

O.J. did it, “Hypothetically”

2006-10-19T08:26:00.000-05:00

According to the National Enquirer, O.J. Simpson has signed a deal for $3.5 million to write about the double murder of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ron Goldman.

Simpson is not actually confessing to the murder – rather, he’s writing a “hypothetical” book – which the Enquirer reports is tentatively being called “If I Did It.” Early reports are that the descriptions found in the book are “so detailed and so chillingly realistic” that readers are left with little doubt as to what really happened.

Well, yeah. I know my masters’ from Cambridge isn’t in literature (bio-engineering, thank you), but I’m fairly certain that for something to be “hypothetical,” it's not supposed to have actually occurred?

I’m not saying that he committed the murders, but I am saying that my ass looks amazing in these jeans.

Hilton Breaks Up, World Keeps Spinning.

2006-10-19T08:06:00.000-05:00

According to PEOPLE Magazine, word out of Hollywood is that Nicky Hilton and Entourage star Kevin Connelly have separated. Initial reports are that Connelly was caught cheating on Hilton with an 18-year-old…nice.

I don’t buy that though, seems too “convenient.” If you ask me, which you didn’t, but if you did, I’d probably say it has something to do with the fact that Kevin Connelly is three feet tall and Nicky Hilton is a bitch.

That, and Connelly’s name comes up misspelled every time I type it.

I don’t trust what I can’t spell. And I can't love what I don't trust. I'm sorry, mom.

Lindsay Lohan has a Ten Year Plan

2006-10-19T07:58:00.000-05:00

In an interview with InStyle Magazine, Lindsay Lohan says that she knows what she wants to accomplish within the next decade.

The 20-year old actress’ (?) goals include making a studio album she can be proud of, getting married and winning an Oscar.

With that sensual two-packs-a-day voice, spotless dating record and Oscar buzz that surrounded Herbie: Fully Loaded, I would say that Lindsay’s well on her way to achieving her goals.

Of course, I'm not too sure how much selling your soul to the Devil goes for these days. I got a Formula 1 race car and a date with Giselle Buncheon.

But, you know, "inflation" and all that, so who knows.

Mike Tyson will fight women.

2006-10-17T09:28:00.000-05:00

In Youngstown, OH, Mike Tyson held a press conference to announce the “Mike Tyson World Tour,” in which he would box for most likely up to four rounds in each city.

Among those he'd like to fight, Tyson said he would like to fight women. In particular, Tyson has his eyes set on professional boxer Ann Wolfe of Waco, Texas.

When asked if he was joking about fighting women, Tyson said, “I’m very serious.”

This guy bit off part of a mans' ear, threatened to eat the children of a reporter and you’re going to ask him if he’s serious about fighting a woman?

That’s like asking me if my movie star good looks come naturally. You know they do, and you know he is.

As promised...

2006-10-17T08:09:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I talked about Scarlett Johansson and was unable to post photos.

My theory? This computer only has 2 gigs of sexy.

Scarlett requires at least 4.

Enjoy.

Kirsten Dunst did something right.

2006-10-17T07:55:00.000-05:00

In a recent interview, Kirsten Dunst says that she doesn't regret turning down the role of the teenage seductress in "American Beauty." (The role was played by the cro-magnon browed Mena Suvari.)

"I was only 15 then," she says, "I didn't want to kiss Kevin Spacey or be seen lying naked in those rose petals."

...Yeah, I'm pretty sure that makes two of us. I'd write more about this but the thought of Kirsten Dunst naked just made me vomit on my keyboard.

**Enjoy the picture of the fugmonster parking in a handicap space. Ugly isn't a handicap Kirsten.**

Bindi (Bindi? Really? Alright.) Irwin to host new show.

2006-10-16T16:23:00.000-05:00

Bindi Irwin, the 8-year-old daughter of the late Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin is currently shooting Bindi, The Jungle Girl, a 26-part wildlife documentary for the Discovery Kids network that is set to debut in January 2007.

“Bindi’s late father will appear with her in scenes filmed before his death,” says John Stainton, who was Steve’s manager and currently represents Bindi.

Responding to critics who might believe Bindi is too young to be in the spotlight, Stainton says, “I think they don’t understand that this little girl is very much enjoying what she’s doing. She is in control.”

Further adding, “Cha-ching! Cha-ching!”

Scarlett Johansson Hates Bras - Millions Rejoice.

2006-10-16T16:02:00.000-05:00

A report on MSNBC.com states that Scarlett Johansson was furious when she was told to wear a bra during a bed scene in “The Island,” according to director Michael Bay.

“Scarlett said, ‘I’m not wearing this bra. I’m going naked,’” Michael Bay told the London Mirror. “And I said, ‘Scarlett, you can’t go naked – this film is PG!’”

To her credit, Johansson explains, “They wanted me to wear a bra when I woke up. Nobody sleeps in bras – except maybe French women.”

I don’t quite get the connection between wearing a bra to bed and being “French,” but then again, I’m pretty sure Scarlett Johansson could make motor-boat noises while wearing a pasta strainer for a hat and she’d still be the perfect woman.*

*For some reason the picture of Scarlett Johansson won't load. It's official, my computer is a cockblocker.

Lindsay Lohan to take Hiatus

2006-10-16T15:48:00.000-05:00

Lindsay Lohan has been quoted recently as saying she is considering taking a break from her acting career to, “travel and learn more about other cultures.”

This news comes weeks after Lohans’ co-stars and members of the production company for her new film “Georgia Rule” criticized Lohan for her on-set behavior, with one exec saying her absences were the acts of a “spoiled child.”

That’s exactly what we need…Lindsay Lohan traipsing the globe as a goodwill ambassador for the United States. How about we do everyone involved a favor and just light a flaming bag of shit on their respective capitals' doorsteps.

I’m pretty sure they’ll be left with the same impression; we’ll just spare them the venereal diseases.

YOU’RE WELCOME, UKRAINE!

Guh.

2006-10-16T15:32:00.000-05:00

You'll have to excuse our absence here at the Tymphonic Spree. Turns out that since we don't get paid to do this, we actually have to do real work from time to time.

But to me, exotic dancing isn't work...it's a way for me to express myself through movement.

So in a way, we never left.

George Clooney is Clever.

2006-10-03T08:37:00.000-05:00

In an interview with Vanity Fair, George Clooney says he has a foolproof way to debunk paparazzi photographs in magazines.

“I want to spend every single night for three months going out with a different famous actress. You know, Halle Berry one night, Salma Hayek the next…,” says Clooney.

I tried this idea once - dating multiple women at the same time. It would have worked too, but I accidentally had both Kelly and Jessie meet me at The Max on the same night.

It could have been awkward, but thankfully my band Zach Attack played some sweet rock & roll and I got to nail them both.

Katie Holmes is Skinny.

2006-10-03T07:37:00.000-05:00

Katie Holmes, has received a tremendous amount of attention recently for her amazing ability not to gain “baby weight” following the birth of daughter Suri Cruise.

“Katie has lost a lot of weight. A lot,” says one observer.

Katie has lost a lot of weight, indeed. But you’d be surprised how easy it is to lose weight following a pregnancy, when you weren’t really pregnant. Those pounds come right off.

Paris Hilton is Fashionably Retarded

2006-09-29T12:14:00.000-05:00

It’s a slow day. And in the spirit of slow, I present to you this photograph of Paris Hilton courtesy TMZ.com.

I don’t know what’s more absurd in this picture? Paris’ Back to the Future II sunglasses?

Or the notion that she thinks we believe her to have the motorskills necessary to ride a bicycle?

But, I suppose we should acknowledge the 800 pound gorilla in the room…which one is the “village bicycle?”

Avril Lavigne is a Bitch

2006-09-29T11:42:00.002-05:00

Last night Avril Lavigne celebrated her 22^nd birthday at Hyde Lounge in Los Angeles with her husband Derrick Whibley of Sum 41.

After no doubt fighting “the man” by screaming, “Comp my drinks, I’m Avril ‘F@#kin’ Lavigne!” Lavigne and her entourage left the bar, running into both paparrazi and fans waiting outside.

According to TMZ.com:

“Lavigne unleashed a torrent of “F@#K Yous” to the paparazzi and autograph seekers, even signing the pleasant greeting on some pictures…

Lavigne and her entourage then made their way to their SUV, where she rolled the window down and loaded up a liquid projectile in her mouth. Moments later, she began spitting at the photographers, hitting one in the face while laughing hysterically and screaming, 'bitch!' "

God, I hate Avril Lavigne so much. I’m not saying I wouldn’t do her. But I am saying that the likelihood of her being the recipient of a donkey punch increases ten-fold everytime she does anything...living for instance.

Juliette Lewis has Style.

2006-09-29T10:46:00.000-05:00

Juliette Lewis, who you might remember from such films as Natural Born Killers and The Other Sister left Hollywood some time ago to focus on performing with her band The Licks.

Well, judging by this picture, it looks like things are going well

Playing Wednesday night at London’s Astoria, Lewis kept her appearance classy and refined – wearing rubber pants, tank top and feather headdress.

I didn’t think anyone could pull off the headdress-look like my friend the noble Indian chief, but I suppose you can’t judge a book by its cover…

Except in the case of Juliette Lewis, then you should just assume the book is written in blood and about being crazy.

2006-09-29T07:22:00.000-05:00

I think I pulled something, reaching for that stuffed animal joke. (read: Tony Danza is Single)

Tony Danza is Single

2006-09-28T15:38:00.000-05:00

The National Enquirer reports today that Tony Danza and wife Tracy have finalized their divorce. The story has since been confirmed by the former “Who’s the Boss” stars’ spokeswoman. In addition, she goes on to say that, “the pressure of Danza’s now cancelled talk show – The Tony Danza Show – took a huge toll on the couple’s marriage.”

If by “pressure” Danza’s spokeswoman meant, “the difficult task of somehow making each episode shittier than the previous,” then yes I can see this being the reason for their marriage failure.

I’ve seen the show, trust me, there’s no other pressure on Danza. Except for maybe faking the ability to read.

Honestly, I’ve put on better talk shows with my stuffed animals. We almost got a deal with ABC, but Lomar the Lion wanted double the offer. Greedy fucking stuffed lion.

Porn Star for Governor

2006-09-28T14:31:00.000-05:00

The gubernatorial race is heating up in California, and now it's actually worth paying attention to. KGTV in San Diego reports that adult film star Mary Carey has thrown her (hat?) into the race for governor as an independent write-in candidate. Today, she held a rally at San Diego State University, much to the delight of that creepy college roommate who you'd always catch jerking off.

"At the rally, students were able to take part in a raffle that included such prizes as a free Sirius radio and a personal dance from Carey," reports the stations' website. Carey plans to hold similar rallies at other California universities leading up to the primaries.

THIS is what America is all about ladies and gentlemen! One day you can have the train run on you by five guys while filming “Whore of the Rings,” the next you can decide to run for Governor of California.

I wonder if that's how Reagan got his start?

Christina Aguilera is Thoughtful

2006-09-28T13:20:00.000-05:00

Life & Style reports that Christina Aguilera bought a $570 gift bag for Britney Spears new son Sutton Pierce. The report states that the bag included a hooded towel, overalls, slippers and crockery set.

Nice sentiment, albeit a bit overdone.

The overalls, they’re not a big deal. But a hooded towel, slippers and crockery set? Now you’re just showing off Christina.

I’m pretty sure K-Fed got the kid a piece of BubbleYum and a stale bag of Doritos.

Bill Romanowski is a Tough Guy

2006-09-28T12:43:00.000-05:00

Former NFL Linebacker, Bill Romanowski, got in some trouble recently after scolding a seventh grader while coaching his 12 year-old son’s flag football team.

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, “Romanowski confronted the player after the player allegedly tripped one of Romanowski’s sons’ teammates.” Apparently, Romanowski already had protested rough play during the team’s game last week in nearby Lafayette when he thought the tripping occurred.

Despite protests from the opposing team following the incident to ban Romanowski from coaching his son’s team in the rematch next month, league official Mark Delventhal has stated that Romanowski will be allowed to coach.

“At this point, I have utmost confidence that Mr. Romanowski will continue to conduct himself in a manner that’s appropriate,” Deventhal told the Associated Press.

Oh, well then Mr. Deventhal, there’s nothing to worry about. After all, Bill Romanowski is the poster-boy for fairplay and good sportsmanship. Why, just look at his spotless record in the NFL.

Four Super Bowl Championships, 243 straight games played, admitted use of steroids and human growth hormones, breaking the eye socket of a former teammate…yes sir, that Bill Romanowski should definitely be coaching 12 year-olds...you know, if their goal in life is "convict."

2006-09-26T14:13:00.000-05:00

I realize the spacing on that last post was all jacked up, and I don't know how to explain it except to say that Cameron Diaz has obviously infiltrated the Tymphonic Spree with her fugly dark magic. As if I needed more reason to hate Cameron Diaz.

Alright Diaz, if a war's what you want, then a war's what you get. Bring it on Fug-Monster.

Photog Tried to Run Down Diaz

2006-09-26T13:50:00.000-05:00

According to the Associated Press, Cameron Diaz has filed a police report accusing a photographer of assault with a deadly weapon for allegedly driving his car at her.

The photographer had been hiding in bushes outside a Hollywood residence, jumping out to take photos of Diaz and boyfriend Justin Timberlake as they departed. Diaz and Timberlake chased the photographer who then purportedly got into his car. It was then that the incident allegedly occurred.

“The photographer got into his car and drove toward Diaz and Timberlake, causing Diaz to jump out of the car’s way,” said Officer April Harding.

The investigation is on-going, but in my expert legal opinion the judgment is clear. The fugly menace known as Cameron Diaz startled the alleged assailent, causing the photographer to panic, and subsequently flee to the safety of his car.

Acting in self-defense, and knowing that the creature needed to be stopped, the photographer hit the gas, aiming to end her reign of terror once and for all.

I’m not sure if you can award medals of bravery for attempted hit-and-runs on cave creatures, but I think it’s worth investigating.

Aaron Carter got Cold Feet.

2006-09-26T12:38:00.000-05:00

According to PEOPLE Magazine, Aaron Carter has called off his engagement to former Miss Teen USA and Playboy model Kari Ann Peniche after just six days.
(See Below: Aaron Carter to Marry Playmate)

Carter’s rep confirmed the split, telling PEOPLE, “He decided he had made a mistake. He’s young and got caught up in the moment. He hopes they can be friends.” In response, Peniche has been quoted as saying, “We’re friends and maybe we’ll get back together sometime. We haven’t ruled out getting back together.”

Kari Ann, I’m going to say this slowly, and I want you to listen to me. You almost married Aaron Carter. Aaron…Carter. Do you realize how close you came to living in a trailer and having cigarette burns on all of your clothes?

Sure all of that sounds great right now, but sooner or later the glamour and excitement of bingo at the firehouse and no dental coverage will fade. And then, you know what you're left with? That's right...Aaron Carter.

Back.

2006-09-26T12:29:00.000-05:00

After some time away, the Tymphonic Spree is back. I’d like to tell you all about my adventures battling pirates on the high seas and winning the No-Holds Barred Fighting Championship of the World, but I’m a humble man.

A humble man with fists of steel and the ass of a God.

Matt LeBlanc, Attorney at Law...Seriously

2006-09-19T08:23:00.000-05:00

Matt LeBlanc, best known for his role as Jack “Deuce” Cooper in the Academy Award winning film, “Ed,” has filed for divorce from his wife of three years. LeBlanc recently filed the papers, with one glaring stipulation. He filed them Pro Per.

Translation: Matt LeBlanc has filed to represent himself in the case...on purpose.

I’m not sure if he knows this or not, but his divorce isn’t an episode of Friends or Joey…although I imagine the proceedings will be funnier than the two shows combined...

Except for the episode where Joey said "How you doin'?," that was the greatest night of my life.

Aaron Carter to Marry Playmate

2006-09-19T07:36:00.000-05:00

Aaron Carter, brother of former Backstreet Boy and current dishwasher Nick Carter, is engaged to Playboy Playmate Kari Ann Peniche, confirms PEOPLE Magazine.

Carter, 18, popped the question to Peniche this past Saturday in Las Vegas while on-hand for the Playboy Comedy Tour at the Palms Casino Resort. Some of you might remember Peniche, 22, was named Miss Teen USA in 2003, but soon after was stripped of her title after posing for Playboy.

The engagement was unexpected by all, "He said he was going to do it, but we thought he was kidding," said Playboy Comedy Tour Manager Cort McCown.

And just for the sake of being creepy, Peniche had previously dated Carter's older brother, Nick. Nothing says guaranteeing a successful marriage like taking your older brothers' sloppy seconds.

Although, in her Miss Teen USA interview, Peniche had noted she enjoyed doing charity work, which is basically what the Carters are. Maybe she has a soft spot for fledgling pop stars... Which is kind of sweet, like adopting a stray kitten.

Prank Call This Number

2006-09-16T12:15:00.000-05:00

Here at the Tymphonic Spree, we appreciate a good joke. But what we don't appreciate is retards who try to prank call our office, and then leave incoherent messages. So, with that in mind, we encourage you, the reader, to go ahead and give this guy a lesson in comedy.

610-717-2870

Give him a call; call him a douche bag or maybe a failure. We really leave it up to you. You know what, let your creativity go wild. That's what we're all about here at the Spree, encouraging the creative process. Oh, but please don't forget to place *67 before your number so he can't call you back. I know, I know, you're all very tough; and although "retard" has never been proven capable of being transmitted via phone line, we don't want you taking the chance.

We're not sure who this guy is, but we assume he looks something like above. Oh yeah, definitely toting an extra chromosome around.

Lukas Rossi is a Tool.

2006-09-15T07:26:00.000-05:00

Lukas Rossi, who just this week won Rock Star:Supernova, and with it the honor(?) of fronting Tommy Lee's new supergroup which also includes Gilby Clarke, formerly of Guns & Roses and Jason Newsted, formerly of Metallica; has already lived up to douche-bag expectations.

Video found at TMZ.com shows Rossi entering a club with Lee to celebrate his win following the shows' finale...but the "brooding rocker" forgot one thing, his girlfriend of seven years who he left standing outside. The girlfriend is seen repeatedly asking the bouncers to let her in the club, but no such luck.

Later, she can be heard remarking "They didn't want him seen with his girlfriend. Seven years. That's pretty fucked up."

Now, in the groups' defense, management needs to keep up with appearances. Could you imagine the media circus if they announced the new lead singer of Supernova was not only Canadian, but she were a lesbian as well? Talk about damage control.

Wait, you mean that's a guy? Shut the fuck up.

Hova Returns

2006-09-15T07:14:00.000-05:00

Entertainment Weekly reported this week that Jay-Z has announced plans to come out of retirement, releasing a new album "Kingdom Come" this fall. The President and CEO of Def Jam Records admitted that retirement following 2003's "The Black Album" just wasn't for him.

"It was the worst retirement in history," said Jay. "Something when you love it, is always tugging at you and itching, and I was putting it off and putting it off. I started fumbling around to see if it felt good."

I can totally relate. Although I've been told that if I keep it up, I'll go blind.

Happy Birthday Sean Preston!

2006-09-14T20:55:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't updated much today, I just got back from what will go down as the most KICK-ASS, THROW-DOWN, WHITE TRASH first birthday party of the millenium. Sean Preston Federline turned one-year-old today, and we here at The Tymphonic Spree would like to wish the little guy congratulations...it's amazing he's lasted this long.

Between being driven around Beverly Hills in Britney's lap with no seat belt, a reported incident where Spears dropped the child and being genetically linked to Kevin Federline; it's amazing this kid is still around. So enjoy your first birthday young Mr. Federline, we expect great things from you in the future!

Developing a cure for cancer, the first man to walk on Mars, perhaps solving the worlds energy crisis...the possibilities are endless! You have the world at your fing...wait, you're Federline's kid right? Oh, well in that case I'll take a six-piece Chicken McNuggets, Small Fry and McShake...and don't you skimp on the barbecue sauce!

Barbara Walters is Crazy

2006-09-14T07:17:00.000-05:00

Further tarnishing her legacy as a reputable source for the worlds' news, Barbara Walters recently informed her "View" co-hosts that her pet dog Cha-Cha can talk. According to Walters, the Havanese pooch said, "I love you" in resposne to Walters telling the dog she loved it. Her colleagues skeptic, Walters says she's going to bring the woman who was with her at the time on the show to back up her story.

Great, with this new batch of crazy I don't know what to believe when I think back to all of her "Ten Most Fascinating People" specials. Is Bill Pullman really that fascinating? I mean, on the surface, sure. But now I don't know what to believe.

K-Fed's Batting for the Cycle.

2006-09-13T07:18:00.000-05:00

News arrived yesterday afternoon that America’s favorite trainwreck, Britney Spears, has given birth to her second child with husband Kevin Federline.

According to the National Enquirer, Spears gave birth to the 6-pound, 11-ounce baby via C-Section before 2 a.m. in Los Angeles, Tuesday. US Weekly later confirmed the story, but reports are now conflicting as to the sex of the child.

Initial reports were that “Jailynn,” as Spears noted would be the childs’ name, was in fact a baby boy. But MTV.com has since cited a source close to the family as refusing to divulge the sex of child, creating speculation.

This will be Spears’ second child, and Federline’s fourth. While the newborns’ sex is uncertain, one thing is for sure…with K-Fed as the father, these kids are fucked.

Cruise is Everywhere.

2006-09-12T11:07:00.000-05:00

Last night, Monday Night Football kicked off with all the excitement and fervor we’ve come to expect from the NFL. Smashmouth football, gorgeous cheerleaders, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes acting like they’re not a fraudulent marriage. You know, the stuff the NFL is…wait…what?

In a complete 180 of their formerly reclusive status, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are EVERYWHERE since Vanity Fair published the first photographs of daughter Suri. Out to lunch with Holmes’ grandmother, at the Redskins home opener...I miss the old days.

I thought that Monday Night Football would be a place I could escape their media blitz, but no, I was wrong. Cruise and Holmes were on hand as guests of Redskins owner Daniel Snyder. Snyder recently went into business with Cruise – becoming a partner in Cruises’ production company after Paramount Studios parted ways with the actor and his company earlier this year.

Tom Cruise at a football game, that seems like a natural fit.

I’m pretty sure that if you were to ask Tom Cruise to throw a football, the next five minutes would be full of over-exaggerated movements, perhaps a wind-up or ridiculous audible like “Suri 22, Suri 22,” followed by the ball going all of two yards.

Not me. I've got a cannon.

Oscar Winner, Eva Longoria

2006-09-12T08:08:00.000-05:00

Eva Longoria, who plays Gabrielle Solis on the ABC hit ‘Desperate Housewives,’ has gone on the record as saying that upon the shows conclusion she wouldn’t consider doing another television show.

In an interview with the Associated Press, Longoria says she would never leave Desperate Housewives, but, “I would never do another TV show after ‘Desperate Housewives.’ No.”

Longoria says that following Desperate Housewives, she’ll focus on her budding movie career.

This seems like a great move. Let’s review Eva’s recent success in cinema…She made her big screen debut opposite Michael Douglas’ exhumed body in ‘The Sentinel,’ netting roughly $11.00 in domestic ticket sales.

A rocky start, but she’ll be following this up with the starring role in “How I Met My Boyfriend’s Dead Fiancee,” due out in 2007. Wow.

If Eva Longoria isn’t an Oscar contender after this , I don’t know who is. Well, except for maybe people who can act…not even well, just better than that monkey from BJ and the Bear.

Face it Eva…people like us, all we have going for us is our flawless bodies and we'll never be taken seriously for our acting prowess.

I’ve come to grips with this, you should too. Although, I am an awesome actor as well...so, I'm kind of the total package.

Naked Cowboy to become Multi-Gazillionaire

2006-09-12T07:47:00.000-05:00

After eight years of entertaining tourists in Times Square, New York City’s Naked Cowboy – a.k.a Robert John Burck – announced to the Associated Press that he is currently recording his debut album as part of his plan for “dominating the commercial landscape of the world.”

Much to the surprise of his mother who thinks he's "very talented," Naked Cowboy has yet to find a record label willing to release the album. But don’t worry; when he gets signed, the Naked Cowboy will keep a level head about all of this...

“Every major record label is gonna’ compete to be the one to represent this project. Once again, Beatles, Elvis Presley, Naked Cowboy,” boasted the cowboy, calling success “guaranteed.” And of course by “guaranteed,” Naked Cowboy means, “I’m a douche.”

He goes on to predict that – not if, but – “when” his album is a hit, he’ll become “a multi-gazillionaire with castles in every major city.”

Tell you what, I’m not sure if the Naked Cowboy will become a multi-gazillionaire, and I doubt anyone would let this retard build a castle much less a popsicle fort for fourth grade history class. But what I do know is you could become $100 richer if you follow these three simple steps.

Find the Naked Cowboy
Punch him in the face
Collect $100 from the Tymphonic Spree

My New Best Friend

2006-09-08T16:17:00.000-05:00

Did you know it’s much easier to crush the dreams of a little person than those like you and me? Just ask anyone at Guinness World Records and they’ll tell you all about it.

Across the pond in Butwar, India, 14 year-old Khagendra Thapa Magar (Marty to his friends) stands only 20 inches tall. For several months, the boy, who weighs just 10 pounds, has applied to be recognized as the world’s shortest boy.

Unfortunately, Guinness World Records has stated that he must wait for his 18^th birthday before he can be declared the world’s shortest man. In the meantime, a man in Jordan will keep the title – measuring in at 25 inches tall.

Enjoy it while you can big man. Marty’s comin’ for you!

In the meantime, you can find Marty hanging out in my Overall's front pocket. When no one is looking, I'll let him out in a crowded bar where he can pinch all the ladies bottoms. We'll make a great pair. Marty will be the smooth-talking, short-tempered player with a heart of gold, while I'll be the soft-spoken, sensitive romantic who shows him a better way. And in the end, we'll both have grown as individuals, and as friends.

Me and Marty, we make quite a pair. Quite a pair, indeed.

2006-09-08T11:45:00.000-05:00

No story here, just an amusing photograph I stumbled upon.

Man, Star Jones-Reynolds is a mess since getting fired.

Schwarzenegger in Hot Water

2006-09-08T10:55:00.000-05:00

In what has to be Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s worst idea since thinking running for Governor of California was a good idea, the Los Angeles Times is reporting that a recorded conversation between the Governor and several of his advisers reveals the Governor to have some interesting theories about the “behavior” of Cubans and Puerto Ricans.

According to the tape, Schwarzenegger tells advisers on a tape that Cubans and Puerto Ricans are naturally temperamental because of their combination of “black blood” and “Latino blood.”

Making sure that his foot was lodged firmly in his mouth, Schwarzenegger continued, “I mean, Cuban, Puerto Rican, they are all very hot,” the governor says, “They have the, you know, part of the black blood in them and part of the Latino blood in them that together makes it.”

The tape, apparently recorded in a closed meeting earlier this year, can now be heard on the L.A. Times website: Hot Blooded, Check it and See.

Schwarzenegger spokeswoman Margita Thompson called the governor’s remarks, “a small part of a long conversation that is taken totally out of context.”

I checked with Scientist on this one to see if there was any truth to Schwarzenegger’s theory about Cuban and Puerto Rican blood. After many hours in a laboratory with beakers, Bunsen burners and other scientisty stuff, Scientist had this to say…

“It is my scientific opinion that Arnold Schwarzenegger is a fucking retard.”

There you have it folks, scientific proof of what we’ve known since Jingle All the Way.

Dancing with the Restards

2006-09-08T08:13:00.000-05:00

In “Who the Hell Cares” news, the Reverend Al Sharpton has announced that this fall he will be endorsing political pundit and resident douche bag Tucker Carlson in Carlson’s bid for the title of…Dancing with the Stars Champion.

A coveted title amongst political circles, gay choreographers and Kenny Mayne, Carlson can take comfort in knowing he has the backing of one of the most prominent figures in the civil rights movement when he busts out the Robot on national television.

MSNBC.com reports that Sharpton has signed a letter showing his dedication to the former Crossfire hosts’ shot at the gold, encouraging “all freedom-loving Americans to vote for Tucker’s dance moves.”…Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ.

It gets better. Here’s an additional excerpt from the letter Sharpton distributed nationally:

“…Watch Tucker do the Cha Cha and then call in your vote to make sure he advances to the next week’s show. You can call as often as you like. Remember: Voting in celebrity dance contests is not just your right in this country, it’s a privilege.”

It goes on like that for a few more lines, but as I was transcribing it the computer monitor began to smoke and the Schuylkill River ran red with the blood of the innocent.

Thanks, Sharpton. Thanks a lot.

Work at Applebee's.

2006-09-08T07:21:00.000-05:00

This morning, a story coming out of Hutchinson Kansas reports that a bartender at a local Applebee's Restaurant (read: shit on a plate) was left a $10,000 tip by a regular customer.

According to the Associated Press, Cindy Kienow, 35, received a check Tuesday from Applebee's franchise owner JS Ventures Inc. for nearly $6,300; her share of the tip post taxes. Kienow received the ridiculous tip on August 27 after the customer ordered a $26 meal.

As the customer paid with a credit card, the restaurant first needed to confirm that the tip amount was correct. Wishing to remain anonymous, the customer confirmed that $10,000 was the appropriate tip amount - oh, that and they're crazy.

With that, Kienow has become the biggest story in Hutchinson since electricity sauntered in to town in '02.

"I've had a lot of fun," Kienow said of the past week, which has included worldwide media attention. "A lot of the customers are like, 'I can't afford to sit at the bar anymore.'" Yes, yes you can. It's fuckin' Applebee's, not the 40/40 club. Drink your two foot tall Coors Light and shut up.

Sorry, I guess this story isn't really that big of a deal. I've tipped 10,000 dollars at Applebee's plenty of times. Of course by "10,000 dollars" I mean a piece of gum; and by "Applebee's" I mean Candi Cane's All Girl Revue.

I guess it's really not all that similar...Although the food quality is probably about the same.

Lionel Ritchie, Father of the Year.

2006-09-07T15:18:00.000-05:00

Lionel Ritchie, former Commodore, soul sensation and mustache connoisseur unparalleled since Tom Selleck went Magnum on our asses, went on record with Swedish newspaper Expressen this week regarding his daughter Nicole’s transformation from tubby lump of STD-sidekick to one of those biology class skeletons.

After consulting with a physician, Ritchie had this to say… “I stood in front of [the doctor]…looked him in the eyes, and I said ‘Is it anorexia?’ And he said ‘It isn’t anorexia.’” According to the physician, Nicole’s weight-loss is stress-related and not due to the debilitating eating disorder.

Now, I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure that “stress-related” isn’t defined as doing lines of cocaine, staying out until 5 a.m. and eating one meal a week. But then again, I didn’t get my Ph.D., although I do have a degree in sexy-ology from Stud University.

Ritchie (the mustached one) then went on to explain that the constant media scrutiny Nicole receives is a reason for her stress.

“Just to give an example of how crazy everything has become, I always know when Nicole is on her way home because she is always followed by a helicopter and seven cars. It’s harassment.”

No, Lionel. That’d be the police. You see, driving your S-Class Mercedes 95 miles-per-hour down the 405 after a night of illicit drugs while resembling a demon from Mexican folklore will get you that kind of attention.

Marcia Cross is Pregnant...with a Child...a Human Child.

2006-09-07T10:15:00.000-05:00

Marcia Cross, who as all of you know plays Bree Van De Kamp on the ABC hit “Desperate Housewives,”…wait, you know what? If you did know that, leave this site immediately. I’m serious, leave this site and never return.

For the rest of you, Marcia Cross has announced that at the age of 44 she is pregnant with her first child. Due in April, it is not yet known the sex of the child, but regardless I think this is amazing. Not because of her age, but because I was unaware that the Crypt Keeper could actually have children.

Oh well, I suppose even monsters find love sometimes.

Paris Hilton cited for DUI

2006-09-07T09:41:00.000-05:00

Paris Hilton was arrested last night on a DUI charge in Hollywood. TMZ.com reports that Hilton was released after being booked following the incident. No additional information has yet been released, but my question is, how can you tell when Paris Hilton is drunk?

I’ve heard her in interviews, and you can barely understand her to begin with. Besides, it’s not like the smell of alcohol on her breath is something to write home about.

Paris Hilton being drunk is about as surprising as me winning “Sexiest Bottom” award four years running. It’s a sure bet people.

Now if they found Paris Hilton reading a book (non-illustrated) or not having the train run on her by the Arizona Cardinals, THEN I’d be surprised.

Guh.

2006-09-06T10:23:00.000-05:00

We're having some technical difficulties here at the Tymphonic Spree. We tried name-calling, hitting the keyboard real hard, and even threatening to replace it with a Mac...it wouldn't be intimidated.

Although this doesn't explain my lack of posts the last few weeks. I blame that on loose women and the thrill of gambling. There's a lot of stuff going on in the world so we'll be back online soon enough.

In the meantime, enjoy these pictures of an asian man. He makes a great cake.

Job well done on these, Scientist(s).

Do Not Move to Cromwell Conneticut.

2006-08-12T12:24:00.000-05:00

Recently I've been spending most of my time stuck in shitty airports with angry travelers, high school retards and no deodorant, so a big thanks to Scientist for taking time out from rescuing baby seals from the clutches of evil poachers and dating Swiss models to send me this gem of a story.

Joey Cadieux is just like any other 13-year old boy in America. He dreams of playing for the Yankees, kissing a girl at the homecoming dance and becoming the center of his very own political debate.

According to the Associated Press, Cadieux, who has run a sidewalk nightcrawler/bait & tackle stand outside of his family's Cromwell, Conneticut home for the past three summers, was shut down after a member of the Cromwell Planning & Zoning Committee noted that Joey's handmade stand sign did not comply with city zoning ordinances. The budding entrepreneur was forced to take down the sign and in-turn has no way to promote his stand.

The case is still ongoing, and it looks like Joey might come out on top. Not because he's in the right, but rather the Planning & Zoning Committee has moved onto bigger and better things, demolishing lemonade stands and publicly caining Santa Claus for illegally parking his sleigh on a resident's roof.

2006-08-10T14:36:00.000-05:00

In yet another testament to Las Vegas being the greatest place in the continental U.S., the Associated Press is reporting that a defense lawyer was ordered to take a blood-alcohol test who was slurring his words. After taking the BAL, the judge declared a mistrial, declaring the lawyer too drunk to argue a kidnapping case.

Joseph Caramango arrived 90 minutes late for trial, claiming he suffered a head injury moments prior in a rear-end collision. After questioning by the Judge, Caramango, 41, acknowledged he was drinking the previous night, but maintained he was not drunk. When the BAL was taken, he blew a .075, the state legal limit is .08. "I don't think you can tell a straight story because you are intoxicated," the judge told Joseph Caramango as she declared a mistrial for his client who was being tried for kidnapping. If convicted, his client faces life in prison.

THIS is where television producers should find inspiration for potential "lawyer" shows. If The Practice, Ally McBeal or even The People's Court had a drunk attorney who fought with jurors for "lookin' at 'em funny" and sang slurred versions of "The Joker" and "American Pie," it'd win an Emmy for sure.

Besides, I don't know what the problem is. I drink a fifth of Jim Beam before every surgery and it's worked out fine for me...my patients, not so much. But I feel great.

Janet Jackson Poses Topless...Suicide Rates Skyrocket.

2006-08-08T14:19:00.000-05:00

Janet Jackson likes her body. Janet Jackson hates clothing. Together, these two passions have resulted in Janet Jackson appearing next to naked on the cover of the latest issue of Vibe Magazine. After losing some 60 pounds, Jackson appears on the cover wearing a revealing bikini bottom and her right arm covering her breasts.

Discussing everything from the infamous Super Bowl Half Time show to her relationship with rap producer Jermaine Dupri; when asked if she'd ever stop posing for sexy pictorials, Jackson, 40, responded, "Of course...when I'm 80, that's when I'll call it quits."

Well, I'm glad she's being realistic. Too bad I cancelled my subscription to VIBE last week, I really wanted a good reason to gouge my eyes out.

Paris Hilton is Celibate...And I'm the Crowned Prince of Denmark.

2006-08-08T07:27:00.000-05:00

In a recent interview with GQ Magazine, Paris Hilton realized that her fifteen minutes of infamy could be drawling to a close. Thinking quickly, Hilton managed to up her slut-ocity by producing one of the most bold-faced lies of the 21st century.

"I'm not having sex for a year. ... I'll kiss, but nothing else," says Hilton, who also told the magazine she has had sex with only two men during her lifetime. Wow, you know Paris, why not make up a lie that's remotely believable. Take for instance, you've invented a time machine that runs completely on celebrity magazines and your own vanity?

In related news, I'm not having sex with Jessica Alba for one year. She's gotten too "needy."

Richard Hatch Goes to Heaven.

2006-07-25T16:10:00.000-05:00

According to the Associated Press, Richard Hatch has been sent to federal prison in Oklahoma after being convicted of failing to pay taxes on the $1 million he won on the debut season of "Survivor." It has yet to be determined as to whether Hatch will stay in an Oklahoman correctional facility, as the Oklahoma prison serves as a hub for prisoners transferring through the federal system.

One thing is certain, wherever he ends up, Richard Hatch will be very popular. Now I know what you're thinking. And you're right, I've got about twenty homosexuality jokes ready to go...but instead, I'm going to leave that up to your imaginations.

I will, however, give you a bit of a hint. I'll give you a MadLibs that you can do on your own...that's what we're all about here at the Tymphonic Spree - encouraging the creative process.

Richard Hatch (verb) the prison guard in a (adjective) jail cell while (proper noun) ate (noun), a (adjective) (nationality) treat.

I think that should suffice.

Party's Over...

2006-07-14T13:45:00.000-05:00

You might have been wondering where I've been the last few weeks. What's that? You haven't? Well go fuck yourself then.

But for those who care, I've spent the last few weeks in Golden, Colorado - "Tapping the Rockies," with Peter Coors of Coors Brewing Company. Ah yes, Coors Light...crisp, refreshing, additional adjective-y Coors beer. It's best enjoyed responsibly you know.

Well someone should probably pass that on to Pete. The Denver Post reported Thursday that Pete Coors, Chairman and beer pitchman for the popular beer, was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol. Coors, 59, was cited for having a blood-alcohol level above the legal limit and also for rolling through a stop sign.

What the report doesn't tell us and what I have just been informed by my source, who I entirely made up for the sole purpose of this next bit, is that Coors had actually laid underneath one of his brewkettles in the Coors Brewing plant and hit the valve open. He proceeded to fill up like one of those carnival games where you shoot the clown in the mouth with water and the balloon grows bigger.

In Pete's defense, his "responsible" schtick is pretty much a formality so this won't really affect his personal life. While I was staying with him, we snorted coccaine off the back of a bolivian prostitute who may or may not have been Estelle Getty from the Golden Girls. And then there was that bank robbery, well I guess that was responsible...he did leave the safety "on".

2006-07-02T21:26:00.000-05:00

After months of speculation, it's over. Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are done...and my window of opportunity is WIDE OPEN!

In an interview with Reuters News Service, Simpson's spokesperson Rob Shuter confirmed reports of the split. "All I am confirming is that they are now in fact divorced," said Shuter. Off the record, Shuter also noted, "Now that the boy band tool is out of the way, Jessica has set her sights on one Tim Londergan."

So let's see...what's the score now Lachey? Oh yeah, that's right...Tim 1, Lachey 0. Douche bag. Good luck with your MTVj chick...why don't you just fess up and admit you're doing Kurt Loder.

J-Ko takes Graceland.

2006-06-30T14:01:00.000-05:00

Capping off a two day consultation visit to the United States by Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi, President Bush treated the prime minister to one of America’s most well-respected, historically rich and visually stunning sites…Graceland. Wait, what?

While Secret Service held back the throngs of Koizumi – or “J-Ko” – groupies, W and J-Ko toured Graceland – accompanied by two of its automated robots, Priscilla and Lisa Marie Presley. At one point, the President and Prime Minister Koizumi chatted in Graceland’s Jungle Room. Let me set the mood here…the Jungle Room was decorated with, yup; you guessed it a JUNGLE THEME.

Complete with ceramic monkeys, floor-and-ceiling green shag carpet and animal-head armrests – the Jungle Room is the result of Elvis’ apparent love for the jungle, or at least a bad batch of cocaine.

As if this weren’t absurd already, W decided the best way to continue building strong relations with Japan is to make a total jackass of its prime minister. Egging him on, Bush encouraged Koizumi to sing a couple lines from his favorite Elvis songs. To which J-Ko obliged...

“Love me tender,” he sang. “Wise men say, ‘Only fools rush in.” Not to be outdone, the Commander-in-Chief sang his own rendition of these songs, but in that special Bush way…replacing all of the words with fart noises.

Rob Schneider, Renaissance Man.

2006-06-30T08:54:00.000-05:00

The Associated Press is reporting that Rob Schneider collapsed due to food poisoning and heat exhaustion on the set of his new movie, Big Stan. Filming 80 miles east of San Francisco in the San Joaquin Valley, tempatures have reached well above 100 degrees in the past few days.

Schneider, 42, collapsed on the set where several cases of heat exhaustion have occurred since the movie shoot began in early June. While this should be a cause for alarm, I find myself more concerned by a quote by Schneider's publicist. "The combination of bad food and the heat just hit him," says the unluckiest woman in the world. "He's back on the set directing today," she said Thursday.

Let me reiterate..."He's back on the set DIRECTING today." Not only is Rob Schneider - the man who brought smiles to millions as the spanish guy in Adam Sandler's last eighteen movies and as memorable Saturday Night Live characters such as "Concerned Extra #2, Angry Drunk Guy #3 and Body"- starring in this film about a con man locked up on fraud charges who learns kung fu to defend himself against other inmates (...WOW), but he's also directing as well. Is there anything he can't do?

Well, there is one thing. Carry a movie. Tell you what, if whoever is catering this film could please continue to provide Mr. Schneider with bad food so as to delay the filming, I will personally wipe the ass of a passed-out homeless person. Ironically, this gesture is similar to the quality of most if not all of Schneider's films to-date.

Reach for the Star...

2006-06-29T21:46:00.000-05:00

The other day something happened that rocked my world to its very core. I would have written on this sooner, but I was in a period of grieving. Mostly, it consisted of me sitting in my room with the lights off, listening to Donna Summer and drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels while sobbing uncontrollably. I've lost family, pets, even a plant. But none of these losses could prepare me for what I found out on Tuesday. Star Jones-Reynolds has left The View.

Now, before you attempt to hang yourself from your ceiling fan, I want you to take a deep breath and just remember all the good times we've had with Star. You remember when...oh wait...well there was the time that...oh..no....that was Tracey Morgan...well she did....wait no, she's worthless. Yeah, I've got nothing. Star Jones is like a thrift store Oprah, and Oprah to me is like a Dollar General Maury Povich.

On that note, I leave you with this . Star Jones was cooler when she was really fat. Not because she spoke on behalf of the obese but because of her incredible likeness to Jabba the Hutt.

On a sad note, Eddie the dog from Frasier died today. Now see, that's newsworthy. Star Jones could defecate in the middle of Times Square with a rifle in one hand shouting about alien babies and I wouldn't care. But you tell me that Eddie, that loveable Jack Russell who was the bain of Frasier Crain's existance is dead, and well it's back to the Jack Daniels and Donna Summer for me.

Through the Lion...

2006-06-26T21:16:00.000-05:00

Chaka Khan, who many of you know from the sample of her hit single "Through the Fire" on Kanye West's "Through the Wire," was honored this evening by BET with a Lifetime Achievement Award.

In an interview conducted by the Associated Press, Chaka was candid about her many personal trials and tribulations. From the murder arrest - and later acquittal - of her son, to the ups and downs of fame, Khan has been through a lot since bursting onto the scene in 1971. 8 Grammy's later, and she's still standing tall. In her own words, "I've been through the fire you know, and I have some scars...lots of internal ones...I'm a real 'next' woman. I'm like, next, bring it on."

Bring it on indeed, Chaka. While I admire her work and feel she totally deserves the honor of BET's Lifetime Achievement Award, I have to point out the following. In a recent press photo, Chaka looks remarkably like The Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz. So we obviously know where she gets her inspiration from now. Come on BET, pay the Lion his due. Judging from the bow in his hair, he's obviously become not only a symbol of finding bravery in your heart, but for the gay movement as well.

God is a Sandler Fan.

2006-06-26T08:55:00.000-05:00

According to early reports from Sony Pictures, "Click" the new Adam Sandler film about a burned-out architect who comes across a "magical" remote control while at a Bed, Bath & Beyond that is capable of altering time and space came in at Number One this weekend. Bringing in roughly $40 million, "Click" has single-handedly disproven the theory that a God exists. Or at least a God who looks for more than poo jokes in his or her film viewing.

I'm a Sand-man fan, classics like Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore can't be ignored. But seriously, a "magical" remote control? I guess it's not too far-fetched though. I came across a magical remote control once while staying at a Ramada Inn. By "clicking" this magical remote control, I was transported to a far-off land where everyone was naked. Alas, it must have been broken or the magic drained from it, because although I could tell everyone was naked, they were indecipherable. As though they were scrambled.

Puke and Rally...and hitch a ride with a Lesbian.

2006-06-24T23:13:00.000-05:00

In Tim vs. the Virgin I mentioned that we had gone to a happy hour at the Brickhaus. At the time, I lived in Harrisburg Pennsylvania, a place with about as many literate people as there are bars (12 by my last count). Needless to say, options ran thin rather quickly if you got yourself thrown out of a few of the establishments. Which, by the way, was damn near impossible to do 'less you defecated on a table or pulled a gun on the bartender (even still, not a guarantee of getting thrown out.)

The Brickhaus was what I called home for close to a year and a half of my life. All drinking activities began, and sometimes ended there. This is one such time...

One Friday our agency closed early to celebrate us winning new business. The bossman with the name on the door was gracious enough to throw an impromptu party at a local bar/restaurant. Roughly 3:00 pm on a Friday, the drinks began to flow. While there were appetizers also being served, it never occurred to me until much later that the last thing of substance I had eaten was in fact 24 hours and one flush removed from me. Hence, things started getting fuzzy early. Around 5:00 pm, a group of us left the now dwindling party to begin our own Friday night rituals.

We entered the Brickhaus and proceeded to drink as though our lives depended on it. The great part about the Brickhaus was that we were friends with our waitress - a story in and of herself, so regardless of how loud or obnoxious we got, we really didn't have to worry about getting thrown out...you know, unless you did something completely stupid. Around 9:00 pm, or so I'm told, I'm suddenly having a fight with my stool as it proves to be too challenging for me to sit on. My head is wobbly, my speech is slurred and what I think is witty banter is actually me offending complete strangers. Even for me, this is not good.

And then, it happened. While taking a sip of my rum and coke which consisted purely of rum, something happened. Suddenly I was feeling ill, violently ill. I put the drink down and braced for the worst...but nothing happened. Shaken, but still willing to fight the good fight, I picked up my drink again. Idiot. I took one sip, not even a mouth-full, and vomitted directly on the table. I vaguely remember trying to clean up the area with a napkin, this was not successful. I basically spread it out, as though I were spackeling.

On this note, my friends picked me up (if I remember correctly, they literally picked me up off my stool) and took me back to our friends' place. It was in a big high-rise apartment complex, the kind from Fight Club. This proved to be a challenge in and of itself.

When we arrived, I promptly made my way to the bathroom. What felt like weeks went by as I cursed the name Brickhaus and prayed for a swift death over the fine piece of porcelain. At one point, things got especially fuzzy as my head cracked into the metal towel rack, effectively breaking it. I made my way back to the futon I'd claimed upon arrival and laid down to the background of Def Leppard and a conversation about how I broke the towel rack.

It's now 12:00 am on Saturday morning, and I wake up on a strange futon with an AC/DC dvd playing. I sit up, take in my surroundings and then realize I have beads on. To this day, I do not know when, or where these beads came from. I'd like to assume I'm not a bead whore, but if I am I hope they, read: she, enjoyed the show.

I was still drunk, but I was functional. In my stupor I realized that I was cleared for another round. That my recent purging had given me a "pass" so to speak and I was ready for more. I called my friends to find out their location, back at the Brickhaus. So away I went.

After a fairly long struggle figuring my way out of the labryinth my friend called an apartment building (speaking with about four tennants, none of whom spoke English, but that didn't matter to me...drunk is a universal language) I began to make my way back to the Brickhaus. It was mid October and I had left my jacket at the office...I was freezing to death. The whole "Liquor keeps you warm" theory is bullshit. With the amount that I drank, I should have been sweating like I was wearing an overcoat, sweater, sweatshirt, four hundred pound woman and a heated blanket. But no, there I walked shivering like Ewan McGregor when he's going through detox in the movie Trainspotting.

About 15 minutes into my excursion I realize something...none of this looks familiar. "I'm lost." "Fuck...where, where am I?" Turns out I had over shot the Brickhaus by about seven blocks. It also turns out my awful sense of direction is enhanced by intoxication. I backtracked and was about to call it a night when an idea occurred to me...why not get a ride? In most major cities, this is easy. It's called hailing a cab. In Harrisburg, I'm not sure if they even have cabs.

Walking along, I came near a bar called "Stallions"...I'll give you a guess as to what that crowd is like. I saw a woman walking to her Isuzu Trooper - I imagined coming from this bar - and decided to give it a go and ask for a ride. I don't remember a lot of the details of the conversation, but I think it consisted of me telling her my friends had ditched me (not true) and they stole my car (again not true).

She decided to give me a ride, and while I'm not one to condone getting rides with strangers, I am one to condone getting rides with lesbians. With my curiousity running rampant and no real sense of "Is this inappropriate," I asked her straight-up what it was like being a lesbian. Thankfully for me, she was one. And one that was open to discussing it. Seriously, we had guy talk about the women we had met downtown. It was great, she was my best friend for about four city blocks. Unfortunately, I sobered up pretty quickly when she told me that one of the local waitresses I'd been pining over at another local bar was actually playing for her team. Freaking lesbian draft.

My new lesbian friend dropped me off at the Brickhaus and I sauntered in. I say sauntered because in my mind, I was doing the unthinkable. I had thrown up in this bar no more than three hours prior, been carried out, and yet here I came, back for more. I walked up to our waitress/friend and took in the look on her face. It was priceless, and a bit annoyed as I think she ended up having to clean up my earlier gift. Her tip was double this night. I ordered a rum and coke (my drink at the time) and snuck up on my friends. When they turned around, the look on their faces looked as if they'd seen a ghost. A drunken, smirking, word-slurring ghost. No ghosts my friends, just a puke and rally.