McGross

US Weekly is reporting that Lindsay Lohan’s stay in the Los Angeles’ Wonderland Rehab Center is not preventing her from two of her favorite past times. Getting plowed by undeservingly wealthy douche bags and eating McDonalds.

According to reports:

“Usmagazine.com has learned that Lohan, 20, who entered L.A.'s Wonderland rehab center on Jan. 18 to treat her addiction issues, has been sending Brody Jenner, 23, text messages.

… In one text sent last Saturday night, [Lohan], among other requests, texted that all she wanted was "McDonald's and sex."

Lindsay Lohan eating McDonald’s and having sex…nice. Well, with that image burned into my head, you’ll excuse me while I go hang myself.

Hey, that was the 80th Post

We celebrate the little things here at the Spree...Finding a dollar in our stripper pants, anniversaries, getting laid for the first time...

...well, two out of three isn't bad.

Here's to 80 posts.

Mutual Acquaintance.

Kristin Davis, former star of “Sex and the City” was visibly upset yesterday when asked about the death of Barbaro, the Kentucky Derby winner euthanized Monday after suffering from severe leg problems since fracturing an ankle in the Preakness Stakes.

Davis’ “Sex and the City” character was fond of horses, and apparently Davis feels this way in real life as well.

Well, it’s Thursday afternoon and I’m drunk…so I’d probably go with a “Sarah Jessica Parker has a horse face” joke here, but then I’d feel like I’m beating a dead horse.

BA-ZING!

At it again...

Christ I'm lazy. I'd like to say I have a good excuse - rescuing baby seals, winning the underground kickboxing championship of the world, nailing Jessica Alba...but we all know those aren't excuses, they're what make me the man I am today.

And if you can't accept those parts, then I don't know if I can accept "us."

I'll be at my mothers.

Sorry, Pittsburgh.

Terrible news out of the Steel City this evening as local television stations are going crazy over the arrival of Dennis Quaid and Sarah Jessica Parker for the filming of their new film “Smart People Here.”

Filming at the Carnegie Mellon University campus, Quaid plays a disgruntled English professor who falls in love with former student Parker.

Reports coming from CBS affiliate KDKA state that Parker and Quaid have been spending a lot of time enjoying the sights and sounds of Pittsburgh since arriving.

Man, first their football team shits the bed, now they’re stuck with that horse faced fug monster for the next few months. I’m really sorry Pittsburgh, and you too Randy Quaid. If it’s any consolation, you have three bridges you can jump from.

Kirstie Alley found the weight she lost…

Just weeks after her appearance on Oprah where she showed off her newly “trim” body in a bikini, Kirstie Alley was seen this past weekend looking like what is best described as…shed-like.

I swear to god, if I have to hear Kirstie Alley talk about losing weight one more time, only to see her resemble a carnival mirror reflection, I’m resigning as president of the Kirstie Alley fan club.

I don’t care if I lose diplomatic immunity and my autographed Cheers DVD box set, I can’t keep dealing with this buffalo.

Usher is Moisturized.

TMZ.com cameras spotted Usher at the Kalologie store on Robertson Blvd. in Los Angeles on Monday where, according to TMZ photographers, Usher was testing out facial creams and other ointments.

I could make a joke here, but there's nothing funny about dry skin...Nothing at all.

Nicole Richie is a Heffer

Nicole Richie was arrested by the California Highway Patrol early Monday on suspicion of driving under the influence after Richies' 2005 black Mercedes SUV was seen going the wrong way on the 134 Highway at 12:31 am.

According to a report in the Los Angeles Times, Richie admitted to officers that she had smoked marijuana and consumed the painkiller Vicodin. Richie posted bail of $15,000 and was released roughly seven hours later. In her booking sheet, Richie was listed as 5' 1" and 85 lbs.

85 lbs? Jesus, why don't you lay off the Clark Bars fatty?

Updates to Come.

Sorry for the delay, the updates are coming.

Just go back to re-enacting the Battle of Gettysburg with your stuffed animals, that'll pass the time.

NO!!!

People.com shot my morning right to hell, announcing that Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl have split. But according to PEOPLE, the pair is “attempting to work out their relationship.”

In a statement, the pair state: “We remain the best of friends. Please respect our privacy as we try to work things out during this difficult time.”

I don’t think that’ll be a problem. I completely forgot that Lance Bass even existed, let alone the fact that he was in a gay relationship with some guy who may or may not be a German super soldier bent on world destruction and doing former boy band members.

…you diabolical son of a bitch!

Kevin Federline, Aristocrat.

Page Six has a story this morning about one of America’s greatest heroes, Kevin Federline. According to the report, Federline is realizing the publics’ negative perception of him and is desperately trying to change his image.

On Wednesday, Federline sent out a press release stating that he had replaced his trademark chains and wife-beater tank top for a suit jacket and button-down shirt.

Page Six goes on to report that Federline is also trying to “learn how to sound smart,” showing up at the Village Vanguard last week to catch the book launch of David Matalon and Chris Woolsey’s tome, “The Concise Guide to Sounding Smart at Parties.”

I really hope the next time we see K-Fed, he’s showing up to an event dressed in a tuxedo, complete with top hat, cane and monocle and has changed his name to Lord Kevin Ewing Federline Esquire. When reporters ask for comment, Federline will quip, “Charmed, I’m sure.”

In the meantime, here's Captain Douche Bag getting F-U'ed by WWE's John Cena.

Finally!

Taylor Hicks has answered our prayers, announcing what songs will appear on his self-titled album, his first since winning American Idol in May.

Due out December 12, Hicks will cover smooth classics by the likes of Smokey Robinson, Marvin Gaye and Rob Thomas (what?), reports Reuters.

For me, a romantic evening doesn't truly begin until we get down to the wailing of a middle-aged white man who eerily resembles Sam the Eagle...oh, and once the check has cleared for my hooker.

Holy...

Jessica Simpson was in Washington, D.C. over the weekend to partake in some sort of celebration for Dolly Parton. Something about honoring her at the Kennedy Center Honors or something...Honestly, I could care less.

Jesus, George Washington and a singing chimp could have jumped out of a cake and Jessica and her breasts would have still been the most popular trio in the room.

Mariah Carey, Yeti Killer.

I'm not really sure where this photo* was taken, or for what reason she's wearing what she's wearing, but one thing is for sure. If Mariah Carey looked any more retarded in this picture, she'd be wearing water wings and a name tag that listed her food allergies.



*This photo came to the Spree from our reader Keller who, when not finding absurd photos like this one, spends her time reading to orphaned children and modeling in Paris.

Lindsay Lohan is in A.A.

PEOPLE.com is reporting that Lindsay Lohan has been attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings for an undisclosed amount of time. This confirms earlier reports that appeared this week in Page Six of the New York Post.

It was confirmed by Lohan’s publicist Leslie Sloane late this afternoon.

“Yes, she's been attending some meetings, and it's going to be a slow process. This is a positive. Let's hope that the press doesn't turn it into a negative,” says Sloane.

Lindsay Lohan is 20 years old and is in Alcoholics Anonymous – which, being Lindsay Lohan whose face and 'gina has been pasted all over the internet for the last four years, kind of defeats the purpose of “Anonymous.” That aside, this is the greatest news I’ve heard all week.

Short of a leprechaun giving me his pot of gold that’s actually filled with gold, Scarlett Johannson and a gold plated Scarlett Johannson, this day couldn’t get any better.

Obligatory Britney Spears Vagina Post

We’ve gotten a couple of requests here at the Spree to discuss Britney Spears recent generosity with her crotch and apparent hatred of underwear. I was reluctant because it meant I had to look at these pictures again, and honestly I barely survived my first encounter.

I’m not going to post the pictures and I think this as far as I can take the post, because honestly I’m afraid that if I show or discuss Britney Spears vagina any further, it will hunt me down and kill me.

Because that’s what monsters do.

Kid Rock: Prince Charming?

According to People.com, friends of Pam Anderson and Kid Rock were taken by surprise when the couple announced they would be getting a divorce after only four months of marriage.

Traver Rains and Richie Rich (oh Christ), the New York City-based designers who designed the dress Anderson wore at her St. Tropez wedding say they were caught off guard by the news.

“Maybe it’s a spat,” Rich tells PEOPLE. “They’re so in love, and I’d be surprised if it was over forever. I don’t think she’d let her prince go.”

He continued: “I thought they were the perfect couple, so in love, so happy. She found Prince Charming. I hope he didn’t turn into a frog."

This “Prince Charming” analogy is a bit absurd in my opinion. If the term “Prince Charming” were to be replaced with “Disease carrying talentless d-bag who's nailing a woman that could probably stuff a freighter in her nasty,” I might agree with Richie Rich more.

But I found his cartoon pretentious, so he can go ahead and play hide and go fuck himself.

Danny DeVito wasn’t drunk…he’s also 6’ 7” in person.

Actor Danny DeVito is denying that he said he was drunk while on “The View” Wednesday, but rather that he had been drinking with George Clooney the night before. However, DeVito did say “it was the last seven Limoncellos that were going to get” him.

During his appearance, DeVito showed clear signs of intoxication, slurring words together and going off on a rant about President George W. Bush, in which DeVito did some crack impersonations of the Three Stooges.

Barbara Walters, who produces “The View” in addition to co-hosting the show, appeared to be annoyed by DeVito’s behavior, attempting to briskly move the interview along to discuss DeVito’s new movie “Deck the Halls.”

DeVito’s publicist told TMZ.com DeVito "asked for Walters’ phone number so he could tell her what needed to be said privately.”

Thankfully I TiVo’ed this episode since I knew I’d be busy getting a pedicure and having my balls chopped off. Here’s the segment with DeVito, I’m pretty sure it speaks for itself.

And just incase it doesn’t. Let me speak on its behalf.

Danny DeVito was fucking bombed.

Personally, it’s probably the only time I can recall that The View was actually good television. Except for the time Star Jones-Reynolds ate the Asian co-host.

Morality Lesson.

I won’t go into too much detail about my absence, but I will say this. If you're ever offered candy from a stranger, DO NOT accept the offer. Trust me, it's a whole load of awkward when you have to explain that you don't like him "that way."

...Unless it's a Caramello, then you take one for the team you fucking baby.

The National Enquirer...might have printed a lie.

According to TMZ.com, Patrick Dempsey’s first wife admits she lied when she accused the actor of brutality, but claims the National Enquirer knew it was a lie but published the story anyway.

The Enquirer article cites divorce documents filed in 1992, in which Rochelle Paker alleged Dempsey:

“attacked her on a movie set and broke her finger by slamming it in a car door.”

When Parker found out that The Enquirer was publishing the story, she recanted her allegations, claiming the statements to be made in the “heat of divorce” and "false."

Wait...The National Enquirer, the nations' leading news resource...prints lies? Oh...oh jesus, I need to sit down.

Next you're going to tell me it's illegal to print your own money.